The Intricacies of Ironing
by Instant Barber
Summary: Haruko. Naota. Food. Fun! In English: One shot Haruko takes Naota out to lunch with mildly entertaining results.


Along with my Excel Saga fic "A Lesson in Consummation", this was part of a bio project awhile back that I did. Needless to say, I got a 60 (at least she liked the story). The reason for that is because I included as little actual biology as possible. Hopefully it doesn't seem too "edutainment" for anyone.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the following characters or their particular quirks. I do, however, own salmon. _No one can take that away._

Things were going normally in the nameless city… well, normal for here, anyway. Yet another robot protruded from Naota's head, and Canti came to defeat it. Mamimi was clinging onto Naota for practically the entire day. Haruko was riding around on her Vespa, hitting things with her bass guitar on the way. Secret agent Amarao was trying to figure out a way to keep his fake eyebrows permanently attached to his face. Masashi and Guko trashed another car by means unknown. So, things were going fine, until… well, everything went fine, actually. No surprises or plot twists here!

Naota was just an average, bored teenager. Until one day, when someone hit him in the forehead with a guitar, whom he later found out was Haruko, a 19-year old girl. She now resides at Naota's house as a maid as an "apology", which basically means she just wants a place to stay. Now, for some reason, robots come out of Naota's forehead where he was hit. One of them was Canti, and he fights the other, evil robots that pop out of his head.

Today, Haruko dragged Naota along to lunch at a buffet. Not really comfortable around large groups of people, he wanted to leave early, but Haruko said it was either this or another swing to the cranium. Reluctantly, Naota went up to the food stands, but the food was surprisingly alluring. So much so, in fact, that he took a little bit of everything. To no great shock, Haruko did the same.

Sitting down, he was getting ready to eat his fried clams, but Haruko stopped him before he could take a bite. "Nah-ah-ah!" she said, waving her index finger in the no-no motion. "I'm going to see if you've been keeping up with your studies". "What? Why?" complained Naota. "Want to taste some bass instead?" replied Haruko, brandishing her bass guitar. Resentfully, he said, " Ugh, fine". _Just when I was going to do something in public_, thought Naota.

"Okay, first, what kingdom do those clams you're about to eat belong in? Or rather, what kingdom did they belong in before they were hooked and cooked?" "That's easy. The animal kingdom." "Ding ding ding! And what does he win? Clams! Congratulations!" said Haruko with a laugh. "I can deal with it," said Naota, even though he wasn't really clamoring for clams. "These next ones are going to be a little tougher, heh heh heh," she said with an evil gleam in her eye. "See that calamari right there? What class is it in?" "Um… mollusks?" he guessed. "WRONG! That's the phylum, moron! It's the cephalopoda! Now for my prize…" Haruko snatched the fried squid and consumed it viciously. "Hey! You never said anything about eating my food!" Naota yelled. She replied, "Well, I never didn't _not_ say anything about eating your food, either, did I?" Naota thought for a moment. "Well, I guess that's true… hey, wait a min-" "NO QUESTIONS!" interrupted Haruko.

"Okay, next. What class does that salmon belong to?" _I have to say something really sophisticated so it might be right_, pondered Naota. "It's the… Pythagorean theorem." "What? Are you kidding? It's the fish class!" said Haruko. "Now you deserve this!" She simultaneously swiped his salmon and knocked him over the head with the guitar. He shook off his dizziness from the blow. Haruko said, "Alright, what genus am I in?" "Err…" Naota knew the answer, but he didn't want to find out what would happen if he got it right, so he decided to get it wrong on purpose. "… Human." "NO! You were supposed to say 'homo' so I could laugh!" "Um, that's not really funny-" "WHO ASKED YOU?" Haruko yelled. Then she sighed and said, "Oh well, bottoms up." She then began to chew on herself while making the noises of a dying animal.

Several minutes passed, and the only thing left on Naota's plate was the main course: a succulent steak with an aroma so heavenly that, if not for the doors surrounding them, would attract all flies and hobos within a 2-mile radius. "Mmm, that steak is looking better and better every second," said Haruko with a grin plastered on her face. "Time to come up with a real crusher. Final question: what phylum did that cow come from?" Naota didn't waste any time with his answer. "Chordata!" "Good job! Now eat up!" Being the first food he'd had since the clams, Naota began to quickly devour the steak, something that was normally against his behavior. However, he noticed a sly smirk spread across Haruko's face. "Nyeh heh heh, you're eating more than just steak, Naota." Her smile grew with each word, and he became uneasy. "Want me to give you a hint?" Still chewing, Naota just nodded slowly.

"Phylum nematoda." Naota quickly spit out what meat was left in his mouth. What he saw filled him with a disgust he'd never felt before: worms. _Roundworms. Oh god…_thought Naota as he hurried off to the bathroom, holding in his vomit all the way. As he ran, Haruko thought to herself, _heh, it really is the simplest things in life that are the most enjoyable._

THE END


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